I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
