dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
