apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
