my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
