The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
