hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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