remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
