thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
