guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
