Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
