Where is the hickey?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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