i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
