I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
there was a trapeze. enough said
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
