forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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