She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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