I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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