she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
