I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
