i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
