if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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