the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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