Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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