sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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