i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
