I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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