walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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