she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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