Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
