Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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