I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
