we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize