dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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