Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
