saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
