i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have post one night stand depression
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
