She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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