my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
