shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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