I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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