I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
