She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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