mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
