Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You ruined the universe
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
