dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
