broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
