You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
