He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
