when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
