and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
