Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
FUCK WHALES
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
