I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
