8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
