Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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