yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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