My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
