I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
