she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you still have your period?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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