he wants to bone in the snuggie
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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