someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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